In my absence I have been nominated for not one, not three, but TWO WordPress blogging awards. Obviously it’s an honour, but I wish I hadn’t already squandered such a stonewall belter of a title as ‘The Award‘ in a previous post that was mainly about design and being lonely.
I have been nominated twice for the same award; the Lovely Blog Award, which can only mean I am especially lovely. I mustn’t let this accolade go to my head, but I am Officially Lovely now, and you can’t take that away from me.
Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them in your post.
Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.
Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.
Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them.
My thanks go to the irrepressibly wonderful Dating Bitch, or as she’s now known, Another Rolling Stone, who has had a hell of a time of it and is well-deserving of your love, and the fantastic Teala Mangano, whose witty insights into her year of singledom are at once hilariously sitcom worthy and a damning report on just how pathetic men are as a gender. Sorry ladies, I’d like to say that we aren’t all that bad, but we are. Thank god you love us anyway.
In fact, Teala nominated not just me, but the entirety of Britain. This is the first time I’ve ever been asked to represent my country, and whilst it is another honour, I will surely never be asked to again. On behalf of Britain, I will supply the seven obligatory little-known facts as necessitated by any recipient of the Lovely Blog Award:
1. The stereotypical Brit differs from country to country. Americans may like to think of us as a foppish, well spoken chaps, perhaps with monocles and fine moustaches, always up for a spot of rugger or cream teas and cucumber sandwiches at the cricket pavilion. Europeans know us as loutish, alcohol sodden xenophobes, exporting ignorance and bad sportsmanship to anywhere a cheap package deal flight will take us, and calling it ‘Britishness’. INGERLUUUUND.
Sadly, both stereotypes are true to an extent, although the majority of the populace are neither. Our Prime Minister comes from an incredibly privileged background and – I cannot stress this enough – does not represent in any way a good 90% of the population. He has had every advantage from birth, and was bred for power, and still couldn’t win full control of the government. (Our voting system is ridiculous).
On the other end of the social ladder, our football hooligans are world-renowned. Whilst some are born with status, and others earn it through achieving stuff, glory can be obtained vicariously through ‘sport’, or to give it its full title, ‘drinking heavily, wearing a coloured shirt and abusing and fighting people who wear a different coloured shirt, regardless of how well come overpaid men kick a ball around for an hour and a half.’ There’s a reason why Europe hates us, and I can’t help but feel it’s got something to do with our readiness to divide the continent geographically and then get our statistically most racist citizens to shout at each other. No wonder we never win Eurovision.
2. On that note, drinking age here is 18. In America, you’re actually have made reasoned decisions by the time you taste alcohol, and in many European countries they drink throughout their teens, but here in the UK it’s just the right amount of time for arrogant immaturity to dive smoothly into alcoholism, enabling the British to go forth and get merry, and make a fool of ourselves on the international stage. We let the country down, we let the Queen down, and most importantly, we let ourselves down. Maybe we’re trying to drown the memories of our once great empire…
3. Not everyone from Britain knows the Queen. Whenever a Brit goes to America, they tell the same story of how they were asked if they know the Queen. They always recount the question in a stupid sounding valley-girl accent, which I know is about as accurate a stereotype as all Brits knowing the Queen, and doesn’t do either populace any favours. Could the one Californian bint who keeps asking if we all know the Queen please pack it in, as she’s giving you all a bad rep. I assume you all know her.
4. The reason Brits are perceived to have bad dental hygiene is because most of our healthcare is on the NHS (National Health Service) and is hence free. (Or paid for indirectly via taxes.) Our dental stuff is paid for by us though, which means there’s a subconscious division of values. In the States, everything costs you, so it all gets paid for in equal measure, but here, a broken arm is financially less of a problem than off-white teeth. Please try to hide your disgust when we smile at you or else we shan’t want to smile for you at all.
5. Our finest export is our wit. You’re welcome.
6. Not all Brits drink tea, but those that do drink enough of it to perpetuate the stereotype.
7. Contrary to what our exported entertainment may lead you to believe, the British public does actually have taste. Whilst we currently can only offer you One Direction, Jedward and Piers Morgan, please don’t forget that we once produced such talent as The Beatles, The Smiths, The Who, The Rolling Stones, Elton John, The Office (U.K.) and Hugh ‘Dr. House’ Laurie. I cannot apologise enough.
In accordance with the other set of seven facts as denoted by my other award, I will also be happy to answer the first seven questions posted in comments, although I reserve the right to deftly avoid awkward or compromising details.
It simply remains to nominate fifteen (fifteen!?) bloggers what I like, so here’s that;
Lux’s Love Letters Are Dying – Lux’s blog itself is a great insight to the in-progress writer; book chapters and soliloquies sit easily alongside testing and tinkering with the written word, and it’s her evocative smut that the world should be going nuts over. She gets top billing, however, because her comments are always a welcome addition to anything I write.
Carly Beth’s Cloud – As bloggers go, Carly Beth is easily one of the most fascinating. It takes a certain type of person to live their life so openly, (I couldn’t do it, obviously) but few write it anywhere near as well. Carly’s pieces are so wonderfully satisfying, structurally; each post, whatever it explores, has a denouement where everything comes together. They’re funny, they’re poignant and they’re inspirational. Bravo.
Jane’s Wonderwimp – Jane is probably the most consistently hilarious blogger I’ve met. Her lists are a particular highlight, but what’s most endearing is the self-awareness and wicked sense of fun she’s built into her online persona. Always goes down easy.
Idiot-Prufs – This catalogue of lessons learned through idiocy is probably the nearest a blog gets to stand-up comedy. There’s a wicked sense of anarchic humour prevalent in all posts, and being an already-famous blogger, I’m sure you’ve noticed the same stellar quality in comments too.
Carrie Rubin – There’s only one way to say it; Carrie is an absolute pro, and her endorsement is a badge we should all wear with pride. Her insights into indie-publishing are particularly worth a look-in.
Speaker 7 – I’ve only been following Speaker 7 for a short while, but she is currently reading that Fifty Shades of Nonsense so that you don’t have to. It’s beyond refreshing to see somebody treat bad literature with the contempt it deserves; the contempt, indeed, that the author and publishing house obviously have for their readers. As well as this, she’s hilarious.
What a Silly Girl – If you enjoy my ramblings, firstly: thank you, and secondly, give the Silly Girl a try. You will find her loveable, salacious, candid, funny, and most importantly, needlessly analytical. Hi-five.
The Very Single Girl – A girl after my own heart; it seems many single people turn to WordPress to fill the void in their lives with the ramblings of strangers, and to convert our continuing gloom into humorous anecdotes for you romantically functional people to enjoy. This isn’t a very good plug is it?
Val’s The Vain’s World – I must admit, I had not expected someone who happily denotes themselves as ‘vain’ to be interesting, but Val is quite disarming in her casual charm.
Lace’s Life of Cards – I only discovered Lace’s blog this morning, but am already enjoying her irrepressible joie de vivre, as well as her (tarot influenced?) metaphor for this multifaceted existence we call life.
Joe’s Shitty Ideas – There’s an addictive mix of perplexity and contempt in these ever-worsening flashes of genius from the friend of a fool named Joe.
La Vie Selon Emily – Emily was one of my first blog chums, and as a linguistics student has a refreshingly playful way with words. She also helped me to come out of the Hipster closet, resplendent in my flannel shirt and figurative beard.
Stephanie’s Listful Thinking – She had me at ‘I believe that everything can be categorized and listed’. At the risk of sounding over-familiar, if more girls had her insatiable appetite for the meticulous, I’d be a happy man.
Subtle Kate – Another new acquaintance, but a welcome one. (Not that any new friends are unwelcome – the more the merrier! Come in, make yourselves at home.) Kate’s writing style is serene and breezy, which makes reading her darkest thoughts an absolute joy. I bet she’s in Australia now, holding a helium ballon with a smiley face on it and skipping merrily through a morgue.
If you don’t like Le Clown then you’re a fool.