I am lucky to have many excellent friends, and they can beat up your friends anytime, so shut up. I’ve provided a little info about some of the most common names you’ll see cropping up in the main blog.
Best Friend Dan, or more commonly, just ‘Dan’ is my bestest best friend. We met at University and lived together for a year. We share a voracious appetite for comedy, and are currently writing a sitcom together, some of it based on extracts from this blog. When it is done we will reveal our surnames to the world. (Oh the arrogance…)
Comedy Terence is another friend who I lived with the year before Dan, and is a fledgling radio personality and stand-up comedian. I try not to reference his antics too much, partly because he will hopefully make a living from any anecdotes I might share, and partly because nobody would believe them anyway. He seems to operate on another plane to anyone else, in a paradoxical state of childlike wonderment and filthy adult humour. Any conversation with him involves a masturbation gag, punctuated with his own maniacal laughter. To those who have seen his live act, I can sadly confirm that he is exactly like that.
Simple Joe has a knack for managing to hurt himself with almost anything. Over the years, Joe has stabbed himself with a chisel, embedded hot glass into his hands, set his own hat on fire and scalded his own nipples with purple soup. Joe and I met in History class, and he is the only one of my friends who requested his own adjective, and as such has made his own bed. The simpleton.
Girl Claire is my best friend who is a girl. I have many female friends, but it is much funnier to imply that I only have the one. Claire and her fiancé Handsome Jon are both geologists, although their relationship is far from rocky… Ithankyow.
Doctor Harvey is one of my oldest friends, and is a professional psychotherapist. His real real name has been changed to protect his professional career, or in case his patients think he is breaking the Hippocratic Oath by being friends with me and not helping. He is legally prohibited from treating any of his friends, which is a shame, because the only thing better than psycho-analytical electro-shock therapy is free psycho-analytical electro-shock therapy.
Exotic Martin is a teacher, and is the cleverest person I know. His name has been changed, lest his pupils lose respect for him and mock him for being friends with me. He is exotic partly because he dresses all fancy-like and also because he can lay claim to no fewer than four nationalities. Combining the best qualities of the Brits, the Americans and the Mediterranean Europeans, he is a resplendent, charming, swarthy man, and has come to this country to claim our jobs and women. And he’ll get them too, because he’s so dreamy…
Musical Adam is a composer, sound engineer and multi-instrumentalist, and runs his own independent record label. Usually that sort of description would lead someone to believe that Adam is an blinkered arsehole of the highest order, but I’ve never met anyone more warm and easy-going. He provides sound pieces to accompany much of my real-world work, and fills in for Dan in the ‘comedy sidekick’ role when the former is not around.
Bus Girl is a girl I saw on a bus.