International Relations

Last night I spoke on the phone to Best Friend Dan.

Dan: …So, how’s the blog going?

Me: Well you could read it, then you’d know.

‘Sounds like effort.’

‘Well, I’ll have you know I’m blog-famous now. I’ve won no less than four awards. How many blog awards have you won?’

‘How does one win a blog award? Was there stiff competition?’

‘Never you mind. I’m a lovely, lovely, versatile blogger. In that order. And I’ve got plenty followers. So there.’

‘Oh really? Who follows you? Anyone we know?’

‘Nope. They’re all lovely, and I do mean that, even though this is a conversation between two friends and nobody else will ever hear that part. And I am moderately popular with actual bona-fide ladies. One of them even said I should go to the States and use my British wit and accent to my advantage.’

‘Hang on, did you get a booty call?’

‘No. It was a joke. A good one, but a joke. You know that sort of thing doesn’t happen to me.’

‘Stop. Go over the whole thing.’

‘I did a post about England, and in a comment she mentioned how British men would be exotic in America, and invited me over to California, where I could simply speak English and be swamped in women. She said to bring a snorkel.’

‘WHAT? (Dan explodes with laughter at this thought, and also the word ‘snorkel’, which in his defence is hilarious)’

‘I think she means that I’ll be deluged with babes, and hence might have trouble breathing.’

‘You don’t think – ‘

‘NO.’

‘So, tell me more about this girl.’

‘She calls herself the Silly Girl.’

‘I suppose she’d have to be. What’s she like?’

‘Funny, sweet, a bit neurotic. Pretty eyes. Apparently the rest of her looks like Gollum though.’

‘Just your type then. Has she seen you?’

‘No. She thinks I might be Hugh Grant though.’

‘Wow. You do realise you have to do this? You’ll never get this opportunity again.’

‘Do you know what, Dan? I don’t think she was being serious. I think she was being charming and lovely and a little bit flirty, but not serious. I think it was just a nice gesture. Showing up in California with a snorkel and saying ‘IT’S ME!’ in a British accent and a Union Jack thong would be tantamount to some sort of assault.’

‘And the point of this is your sexy English accent? But you only speak English don’t you? Or don’t you speak French as well?’

‘I speak un peu.’

‘The language of lurve…’

‘And fromage.’

‘She’s a lucky, lucky lady. This is going in the sitcom.’

And that’s how we wrote two lines of dialogue.

NOTE: Title changed to an amazing pun.

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51 thoughts on “International Relations

  1. I like the comment about the word “snorkel.” I am currently working on a list of the best-sounding words in the English language, and it’s certain to make the cut.

    • Merci! This means a great deal coming from you! I’m so glad it happened in writing. I am but a clumsy, snarky wordsmith, whilst only over the road is Master-Craftsman Ho, sculpting and conducting a lexical orchestra. Or something.

      • Chris, I will now go subscribe to Millie’s blog sight-unseen exclusively because you used the words ‘lexical orchestra’.

        I like words.

        I once used ‘defibrillator’ in a song once (IN PROPER CONTEXT AND IN A WAY THAT ACTUALLY, SOMEHOW, BY THE GRACE OF GOD, ACTUALLY MADE POETIC SENSE).

      • You won’t be disappointed: Millie is properly good. We are but amateurs to her skill.

        I once used ‘detritus’ in a ‘song’ and then I found out how it was pronounced and it didn’t work any more. (Detritus, not song. I know how song is pronounced.)

  2. I have been told by a friend of mine from California that the ladies would like me just because I’m Canadian. Not even because I have a great accent. And it would be weird if that happened because those sorts of things don’t happen to someone such as myself unless (near-exclusively) they’re drunk and I’m in Kyiv. (Or if they’re a bro, I’m 16, and they’re……….not. But that is also another story for another time. : |.)

    But yes. Could someone please explain to Chris^2 why Californian girls like guys that aren’t from California? From what I gather, being a guy not from California IN California is like having a d20 that consistently only rolls 20’s.

    ;P.

    • The question really is whether or not our exotic flavourings would offset any less-than-attractive qualities we might have. Exactly how English would I have to be to cancel out the fact that I got your D20 reference?

      • Not even man. Use the knowledge of what a d20 is and what rolling a 20 on onesuch as a barometer to determine whether or not a lady is worth your time. Totally failsafe ;).

      • Would that I could supply all the pretty girls I meet with a questionnaire…

        In fact, that’s a brilliant idea, and I will build it into a series of posts I am preparing. Thanks Chris!

    • I don’t suppose you lovely lady folk are privy to much of this ‘lad banter’. It is alternately grunting and sexually suggestive elbow manoeuvres and angry discussion about sport, music, films, etc.

      What I’m trying to say is that you aren’t missing anything.

  3. tis true mr. biscuits. my sister in law, kids and i, constantly go around attempting a british accent. it’s lovely to most and only annoying to few (or is that in reverse??). we adore a brit, adore. you could go anywhere…do not limit yourself!

    • I’d be interested to hear your impressions – what sort of things do you all say? Do you simply adopt the accent or do you drop in things like ‘pip pip!’ and ‘tally ho!’ and other things that British people definitely day??

    • I have a mental picture of a lakeside populated with exhausted women and screaming toddlers, and some Brits turn up and say ‘Where are all the gentlemen? Surely they can’t all be in the State prison. I say, could one of you ladies help me with these beach toys?’

  4. Yup, accents are a hot commodity! I have said yes to men who have asked me out simply because of their accent. British accents are a favourite of mine. in fact, I like to pretend I am British and speak with an accent when I go to new places. People are nicer to me when I use it…. So strange. It’s like a superpower.

    If there is a vote to be had, I vote in favour of you coming to America, staying with fellow bloggers, and documenting your time in the States with an emphasis on the ladies you come in contact with. Take that superpower out for a spin!

    • Might this be why your husband is a Canadian? It’s odd to find that you’re treated differently because of your accent – it must be pretty authentic. I’d love to hear your impression, it’s always hilarious. Do you do the Queen’s English version of one of our dialects? And do you like to pepper your sentences with little British witticisms like ‘I say!’ and ‘Bloomin’ heck!’?

      Would that I could travel Stateside – it’s on my To-Do list, but I can’t really afford the time, let alone the money right now. I would absolutely blog it though – ‘Blimey! The Romantic Escapades of an Englishman Abroad.’

      • Yes! Now that would be an epic title for your blog as an Englishman Stateside!

        As for my English Accent, I believe it’s similar to those out of London, a Southern English type. I do enjoy throwing in British witticisms, they just kind of come out because I watch a fair bit of their TV. A recent favourite is “Fan-dabby-dozy”. I also am quite good with an Irish and Scottish accents. In one of our D&D quests we’re all dwarves who have Scottish accents, and that’s fun. I also play a witch with a Russian accent but it’s not so great. My husband thinks my Russian is hilarious, but practice makes perfect, so he’ll have to endure! =)

        PS My Canadian does not have an accent. He does say “eh” but that’s about it. Unless you go out far east in Canada, most sound like any American. Excluding the Southern Americans.

      • I’m sure any blog about my love life would be ultimately disappointing…

        ‘Fan-dabby-dozy’ is, I believe, a product of The Krankies, a show in which a husband and wife masqueraded as a father and son. They were also, apparently, filthy swingers. Sorry for ruining that for you. In it’s place, please accept ‘splendid and tremendous’.

        The Scottish accent is always a good one. How many dwarves are there? I like the image of a Scot walking in on about eight Americans all gathered around a table, each huddled and hunched to get into the role a bit more, dragging the good name of his forebears through the mud in a way Mel Gibson could only dream of.

        Russian is another good/offensive one, and if you ever need any pointers, you need only watch any James Bond film. There’s always an actor portraying a Russian in them, usually very badly, following Bond around, disrupting his mission and spoiling his erection.

        I have heard that aboot Canadians. Sorry.

      • Aboot! Haha. I have heard it once, and I believe he was a Newfy (from Newfoundland).

        Oh balls! Is that where it’s from. Wrong, just wrong. Just its so fun to say!!! Oh well. I’ll move on from it. It’s just so catchy and rolls of the tongue perfectly….

        There are 5 dwarves, 4 of which are very racist. It makes it difficult to role those diplomacy checks when questing in foreign lands. God save us if they come in contact with elves. Lol.

        My Russian accent comes from video games. Lol. They are always the baddies. I’ll take your advice and watch some Bond.

      • If we weren’t already friends, I’d be chumming up all over again for that quote: ‘There are 5 dwarves, 4 of which as very racist.’

        I wouldn’t worry too much about Fan-dabby-doozy, if you don’t know where it’s from, chances are nobody else will, and it’s not like you’ll start having deviant tendencies just by saying it out loud. It’s not like ‘Bloody Mary’ or ‘Harri Krishna’ or ‘Shazam!’

        I feel a little bad for instilling Bond upon you; if it weren’t fiction it might prove the British Accent Hypothesis, in that despite all those atrocious puns, he STILL gets to sleep with beautiful women who all appear to have English as a second language.

      • I have enough deviant tendencies that if the word triggers new ones to form, no one would notice I’m sure. And now that I know where the word originated, I can refer those who inquire about the word, to the show. Hehehe… That will be a fun conversation once they watch it. 😉 Thanks Chris.

        I love the bond movies. My favourite bond is of course, the dapper Sir Thomas Sean Connery. *Swoon*

      • He is the original and best, I agree, but I personally enjoy Sir Roger Moore’s films on another level, if only because he took all the coolness of Sean Connery and fashioned it into THAT eyebrow, and this left him with ample opportunity to be outrageously debonair.

      • I concur! That is a very valid evaluation of Sir Roger Moore’s take on Bond. I guess the deciding factor for me between the 2, is that I wanted to be one of the women with English as a second language when it came to Sir Thomas Sean Connery, just a tad bit more.

      • Oh no… I wonder if it’s this. http://youtu.be/3FgMLROTqJ0

        My husband tried to use this to sway me away from Sean Connery but I say,

        If I am to be hit by a man, be it Sean Connery… so we can have passionate make-up sex afterward. (This is not what the husband wanted to hear)

        He asked, “What if I hit you.”
        Me, “You’re not Sean Connery. I’ll knife you.”

      • Indeed! And let me clarify, he could only have hit me back in the Bond days…when I wasn’t even born. So in theory, now if he hit me there would only be a knifing, not hot make-up sex. Hmmm now I understand my husband’s puzzled look.

  5. I am incredibly attracted to any sort of British accent. English, Scottish, Irish. Not Welsh, though. English accents, however, are my favourite. So, while I can’t speak for the whole of this country, I can say that if you walked into my place of work and spoke to me, I would most likely swoon.

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