Last night I spoke on the phone to Best Friend Dan.
Dan: …So, how’s the blog going?
Me: Well you could read it, then you’d know.
‘Sounds like effort.’
‘Well, I’ll have you know I’m blog-famous now. I’ve won no less than four awards. How many blog awards have you won?’
‘How does one win a blog award? Was there stiff competition?’
‘Oh really? Who follows you? Anyone we know?’
‘Nope. They’re all lovely, and I do mean that, even though this is a conversation between two friends and nobody else will ever hear that part. And I am moderately popular with actual bona-fide ladies. One of them even said I should go to the States and use my British wit and accent to my advantage.’
‘Hang on, did you get a booty call?’
‘No. It was a joke. A good one, but a joke. You know that sort of thing doesn’t happen to me.’
‘Stop. Go over the whole thing.’
‘I did a post about England, and in a comment she mentioned how British men would be exotic in America, and invited me over to California, where I could simply speak English and be swamped in women. She said to bring a snorkel.’
‘WHAT? (Dan explodes with laughter at this thought, and also the word ‘snorkel’, which in his defence is hilarious)’
‘I think she means that I’ll be deluged with babes, and hence might have trouble breathing.’
‘You don’t think – ‘
‘So, tell me more about this girl.’
‘She calls herself the Silly Girl.’
‘I suppose she’d have to be. What’s she like?’
‘Funny, sweet, a bit neurotic. Pretty eyes. Apparently the rest of her looks like Gollum though.’
‘Just your type then. Has she seen you?’
‘No. She thinks I might be Hugh Grant though.’
‘Wow. You do realise you have to do this? You’ll never get this opportunity again.’
‘Do you know what, Dan? I don’t think she was being serious. I think she was being charming and lovely and a little bit flirty, but not serious. I think it was just a nice gesture. Showing up in California with a snorkel and saying ‘IT’S ME!’ in a British accent and a Union Jack thong would be tantamount to some sort of assault.’
‘And the point of this is your sexy English accent? But you only speak English don’t you? Or don’t you speak French as well?’
‘I speak un peu.’
‘The language of lurve…’
‘She’s a lucky, lucky lady. This is going in the sitcom.’
And that’s how we wrote two lines of dialogue.
NOTE: Title changed to an amazing pun.