Fun With Time Travel

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that December the 8th is International Pretend To Be a Time Traveller Day. I’ve come here today from the future to tell you about it six months in advance so you can all prepare properly, and thus avert a horrible future where I celebrate alone1 with a foil hat and a cardboard box.2

On December the 8th you will have a licence to mess with people. You can run up to strangers, ask them what year it is, and then shout ‘THEN THERE’S STILL TIME!’3 You can dress in a tin foil uniform and try and arrest people for having their own thoughts and feelings. (Outlawed in the future, you see?) You can even don your most resplendent Victorian finery and say ‘Blimey!’ at electronic goods. Bonus points if you pick up a toaster and say ‘crumbs’.

TIME TRAVEL! Where will you go? Space? Prehistoric Times? Luton?

TIME TRAVEL! Where will you go? Space? Prehistoric Times? Luton?4

If I was able to time-travel, I would go back in time to find my eight-year old self, andย  make unsettling prophecies. I think I would start proceedings with one of the best sentences a human can possibly say; ‘Don’t be alarmed – I’m you from the future’, and then I’d move on to a cryptic, ominous warning; something like ‘beware the cycloptic man!’

Would my past self heed the warning? How would it be understood? Prophecies are never explicit, unfortunately, and are often open to interpretation. Would past-me reason that the emphasis like on the one visible eye, and would I develop a deep-seated dread of pirates, the 2012 Olympic Mascots and people who wink a lot?5 Or would my younger self understand that the important part was the functioning eye, and develop an irrational fear of the visually impaired, which would be mightily insensitive of him, the prick.

What a winker.

What a winker.

Also, would I, the future self, instantly feel the impact of a long-held dark thoughts, instilled at a young age? Would my life differ? Would some of my memories change? Perhaps, in an alternate timeline, my resentment of pirates lead to me avoiding open water, and as a result I never learned to swim and drowned in an apple bobbing contest one Hallowe’en.

Eventually, I would reach the age I was when I went back in time in the first place, and realise that nothing happened between the two points to justify my future-self’s warning. As I complete the loop, I would realise exactly how much of a grade-A arsehole I am. I would then have to go back in time to begin the cycle again, this time with an omniscient self-hatred at the task I have to do.

Instead, I would then go back in time and undo it all, and I would also not write a blog that makes insensitive jokes about the singularly sighted.

The Insurmountable Calvin and Hobbes

A Calvin and Hobbes reference is always appropriate. (ยฉ Bill Watterson)

What would you do if you could travel through time? Would you come back? What if you couldn’t? Would you change the past? Would you try and get off with your mum like Michael J. Fox?

1 Not a euphemism.

2 Still not a euphemism.

3 If someone does that this year, and is dressed as a Mayan, for God’s sake follow them and help out.

4 If you know what this is an obscure reference to, we should be Actual Best Friends.

5 Our mascots are named Wenlock and Mandeville, which co-incidentally are the names of Simple Joe’s testiballs. His penis is called Batman.


41 thoughts on “Fun With Time Travel

  1. I would go back in time and tell myself not to see “Magic Mike.” Those were two hours of my life I’ll never get back. But I guess the popcorn was good, so maybe I wouldn’t tell myself that after all.

  2. I was going to make some awesome Back to the Future reference here, but as you already made one in your question, I felt it would be superfluous and less witty…

    However, I’ve always secretly wanted to be a pirate, so I would probably travel back in time and become a pirate (without and eye-patch of course, as I wouldn’t want to be the subject of one-eyed prejudices).

    • Well thank you for the compliment, but Back To The Future references are never superfluous. Ever.

      When I was a boy I used to make my Lego pirates attack my Lego castle, and I was heartbroken when I learned they happened about 200 years apart.

      I’ll happily take you back to Pirate times with me, and when I return to the present I’ll take a few corsairs back with me, and I’ll introduce them to the RIAA and other such music industry bigwigs, so they can see that Piracy is actually quite a jolly affair. Or they might be cleft in twain.

      • I actually have a friend who I would have serious discussions with about the possibility of time travel, and we decided that the best thing would be to become time-traveling pirate dictators. That way we can combine the pleasures of piracy and world-domination.

      • Well, if I’m to trust “Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman,” (and I totally am. Who doesn’t trust Morgan Freeman?) traveling forward in time is entirely possible. One would need either a black hole or some machine which travels faster than the speed of light. When going faster than the speed of light, time essentially slows down insite the machine, while it remains constant outside.

        Unfortunately, there is not real way to travel backwards in time. However, if there were, my friend Ryan and I would travel back and become pirate over-lords using our superior knowledge and futuristic technology. Then, the jump from pirate over-lord to world dictator would be a piece of proverbial cake. After renaming every city to “Springfield” and establishing the secret police named ELO (Electric Light Orchestra), we would travel BACK TO THE FUTURE, if you will, and still be dictators. We would assert our dictatorship by traveling back and forth in time, and using awesome pirate-like actions.

        The plan is fool-proof, really.

      • Electric Light Orchestra (ELO) is a british rock group from the ’70s. It’s our ode to classic rock. Who doesn’t like a good classic rock reference?

      • We didn’t. We’re just assuming that with an awesome name like Electric Light Orchestra, they’d be up for the challenge.

    • It’s amazing to think that just a few years ago, Snooki wasn’t even a thing. I don’t believe death would be enough though. These ‘people’ have been lauded by society and as such must be made an example of. If they die, they’ll only be martyred by idiots, instead, they must fall, publicly, and watch their empire crumble.

      I would very much like to trap Simon Cowell inside a time machine so he can watch as everything he created, with his immoral attitude and callous disregard for anything other than profit, turns to ash over time. And the he’ll die.

    • No, I did ask, so fair dos! That sounds… salacious, to say the least. Would you go back as your current self, or into the body of yourself at the time? Would your past self be upset by a lady claiming to be from the future turning up to get nasty with the object of her affections?

      • self I am now – body from then. The self I was then would have no idea of me or maybe i would tell her but you can’t TELL experience to anyone – I’d be going back to find him, then return. I know, I’d tell her that she gets to return and do the same thing when she reaches that point in time.

      • A never-ending time loop of toy-boy lust, and the promise thereof!

        Do you think your younger self might make different choices if she knew she’d get the man of her dreams, but in the future?

      • She couldn’t fathom “man of her dreams” in high school – I can barely do that now- haha. He was a very cute guy who liked me but I, being the youngest in a big family, strict mother, and pretty much against the idea of a boyfriend because they seemed to stall out many girls’ and young ladies’ lives by their posessiveness or by getting her pregnant. I stayed away from him but he was so intriguing and cute and nice. I wasn’t wise enough then to know how to handle all of those “obstacles”.

  3. I would go back in time after robbing a bank of its gold (this part might prove to be tricky), and set up a nice life among society as an heiress in the late 1700’s. I don’t care if I mess with the future… It would be truly wonderful =)

    • Sorry to be a pedant, but if you had all that money, why would you need to be an heiress? Or is it simply for the gowns? I agree though, there’s something fascinating about the industrial revolution. I reckon you could make a killing doing time-travelling sight-seeing tours for steam-punk fans.

      • Well, to be honest, it wouldn’t be any fun living during that time period without being rich. Status was all the rage you know… I would need to live a life out of a Jane Austen novel. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Gowns, oh yes!

  4. This is awesome. Also, I approve abundantly of your use of foot notes. People should use more foot notes, non-academically speaking.

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