Bare Faced Cheek

I am not a particularly burly man. I have always been skinny, and have sometimes been short as well. As I have said before, I have a decidedly youthful visage, and appear immature and inexperienced to any new acquaintances. In order to assert my obligatory male dominance amongst my peers, I have had to resort to wit and fast-talking, which never go down well amongst those whose fists do the thinking. And the punching.

During my late teens, I became increasingly aware that a be-haired face was not going to happen for me. My facial hair grew sparsely, not unlike a cactus, meaning that anything I tried to grow would look like a scruffy mess. As my friends’ faces bloomed in masculine glory, and girls flocked to run their fingers through those wild  facial forests, I watched on, with a bald, cold, chilly chin.1

There had to be a solution. I stroked my chin in thought, but that only reminded me of how little hair grew there, so I gave up.

Unfortunately however, the need to assert my aforementioned masculine authority and power is ever-prevalent in our status-obsessed, aggro-rewarding culture, where entire genres of music can be based around the three ideals of accumulating wealth, disrespecting women and murdering to death with guns anyone who suggests otherwise, and where Michael Bay can become a statistically successful director.2

How will I ever subjugate women with my cactus-chin? What will happen should those ladyfolk go unsubjugated!? They might realise that the ridiculous expectations us blokefolk have set for them are needless fabrications! And then we’re all shafted!

And what should happen come November, when gentlemen everywhere grow a mo’ to show they know about the woe of their bros with cancer. Yo.3 I’ve written before about how concerned I am about cancer, but I’m physically unable to show support facially, which just makes me look evil. ‘Look at that git, not caring about our noble cause. The bare-faced cheek!’4

If I was able, I would grow a full moustache, to both assert myself and appear distinctive and British and fun. On special occasions (Weddings, Summer Fêtes, Regattas, National Kite Flying Day (Feb 8th) etc.) I would trim it to a thin line with ends that I can twiddle, so that I can look like a dandy cad caught trying to break into St. Trinians. I would ogle women and say ‘What am I doing here?’. And then I would be arrested.

I will never know the joy of the stages of shaving:

The Many Stages of Shaving

Most ladies will also never know the joy of a hairy face, but fortunately it isn’t expected of them.

In the meantime, I will look longingly at this guy.5 And maybe buy one of these.

Elmar Weisser, three-time winner of the International German Beard and Moustache Championship. There is a moose in his beard.

I’ve learnt that it is a good idea to end blogs with a question, so I suppose I must vainly ask readers their thoughts on beards and the be-bearded. Do you have a beard? Do you find them attractive? Are they a hassle? Do you ever hide things in it?


1 I am so pleased with that sentence.

2 There are certain words that one should avoid using, less one cause offence, but Michael Bay perfectly embodies the word ‘retarded’. This is a man who has not progressed past the dawn of puberty for three decades.

‘Okay, Michael, what’s this new idea for a film you’ve got?’

‘Explosions! And cars! And space! And tithes! And space tithes!’

‘Any idea for a plot?’

‘Just give me the licence for a beloved kids show from the 80’s or 90’s!’

‘You’re not going to royally fuck it up are you?’

‘SPACE TITTIES!’

I didn’t play with most of his franchises as a child, but if he comes anywhere near Lego or the Wacky Races he’ll face my wrath. My wrath is a strongly worded letter of complaint. That’ll show him.

3 I couldn’t find a synonym for cancer that rhymed with ‘oh’, and in hindsight I’m glad because that would have been flippant and insensitive.

4 This is my favouritest pun what I done, and is dedicated to Go Jules Go, who is a fan of wordplay. BIG SHOUT OUT. If you would like a pun dedicated to you, you’re as big a loser as I am please leave a comment.

5 Not in that way.

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32 thoughts on “Bare Faced Cheek

      • I think there needs to be a Bruce Campbell cameo.. I mean, with a name like “Space Titties” you’re begging for it.

      • Star-crossed lovers Rachel (Megan Fox) and Jason (Ryan Reynolds) begin their doomed (but hilarious!) romance when Astronomy research assistant Jason meets tour guide Rachel during a viewing of a lunar eclipse. However Rachel is hiding a secret that may threaten their romance… she works nights at the local strip club, “Space Titties”!

      • Possible Dialogue Excerpts:

        SCENE: Outside, Jason & Rachel are lying down looking up at the stars.

        ‘Thanks for showing me the constellations, Jason, it’s so romantic.’
        ‘Rachel, I love you, and I love the stars, and tonight you’ve let me show you my whole world.’
        ‘That’s lovely, but now I have to whop some nipple tassels on and wobble in front of a semi-turgid businessman for seven hours.’

        SCENE: Inside Space Titties, two patrons are talking.

        ‘Why did they call it Space Titties? It’s not erotic at all!’

  1. I have a friend who shaves off his facial hair because he says it itches like shit. And I like the clean-shaven look anyway.
    I think facial hair doesn’t prove your masculinity. There are many guys out there without any spiky outgrowths on their chins and who still manage to ooze masculinity by the way they walk and talk. And that doesn’t exclude short-heighted men. 😉

    • I know really, I suppose it’s just not in the genes, which means it’s my Dad’s fault and I’m totally blameless! You’re right, there are other ways to display this ol’ Y Chromosome of mine.

      Thanks for commenting!

    • Thanks, I do indeed, although I’ve also enjoyed their usage elsewhere, particularly in a series I loved as a boy called ‘The Bartimeaus Trilogy’ and recently in the books of the comedian Stewart Lee.

      They are by far my favourite bits to write; certain jokes, puns or asides might disrupt the narrative, but I can have my cake and eat it with the footnotes. It’s fairly simple as well.

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  3. Wear your bare face with pride. Beards scratch the skin of others and are tough to pull off (literally and figuratively…) Now chest hair, on the other hand, should be left intact, with the obvious requisite manscaping, of course. If you don’t have chest hair either, well…then…at least you don’t leave hairs all over the bed. Always a plus side to everything…

    • That’s good to hear; it would appear that the jury is out on beards, and that because I’m not completely hairless, I’m still allowed to keep my Y Chromosome. We must thank evolutionary traits for instilling females with the notion that furry things are good for snuggling with.

      I recently found out that apparently, some men grow long strips of hair down their backs, and that these, along with sideburns, were referred to in Victorian times as ‘Bugger Grips’, for a reason best left to a filthy imagination.

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  5. Better to be on the side of having less facial/body hair than to be on the other. I once went out with a man who had so much chest and back (yes, I said back) hair that I could feel it bubbling under the surface of the shirt that he was wearing. (And yet he chose to be bald…due to an incredibly receded hairline.) Okay, it wasn’t actually bubbling, but I’m sure you get what I’m trying to say here.

    Also, clean shaven is always better. IMHO.

    • Well that’s a relief to hear that some girls like it smooth.

      I’ll just pause whilst you think of your own euphemism.

      Facial hair is, unfortunately for me, intrinsically linked with manliness. It’s better to be able to style your face, not have it decide for you that you’re going to look like a twelve-year-old. I have a very hairy friend who looks like Teen Wolf. The ladies like Teen Wolf. I’ve got it on DVD but they’d apparently rather have the real deal.

      • I still don’t think that facial hair makes you any more manly than if you’re clean shaven. But I understand that it’s a guy-thing. We, women, have our things, too. Though I try to steer clear of letting those sorts of things bother me too much, there are certain things that we, as women, feel we must have in order to be seen as attractive to those of the male persuasion.

      • Yeah, it’s a guy thing, it must be. It’s ridiculous the amount of hoops you ladies are expected to jump through for us fellas. And in those heels as well. Ba sum tsh!

        Seriously though, when I see a pretty girl, I try and imagine what she’d look like first thing in the morning. If I’m attracted to her at her worst, I’ll appreciate her more at her best. And she’d better have an actual personality as well, whilst I’m being picky.

      • I am real, but I am also writing under a pseudonym, so you can’t trust anything I say completely. Trust is a big part of any relationship, so I’m fatally flawed from square one.

        Thank you though, that’s a lovely thing to say! I’m supposed to say Big Foot, because of what they say about men with big feet…*

        * Bigger shoes > more leather > more expensive shoes > no money to spend on dates > cheap.

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