Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Chris, I’m in my early twenties and I am a British graphic designer and animator living in London, UK. And now I’m a blogger as well. Fingers in pies an’ all that.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but since I’ll be blogging from behind a flimsy veil of anonymity, you will have to be satisfied with a monologue instead.
I’m a fresh-faced, medium height youth, and facially speaking, I look a bit like Thom Yorke from Radiohead, if he was twelve years old and had a wasting disease. I am spectacularly thin. I don’t really keep track of my weight, because I am a) underweight and b) not a girl, but I can say with absolutely no confidence that I weigh about 4 pounds. I have a metabolism and inability to grow facial hair that most women would kill for.
I dress smartly, (off the peg at Topman) and have short brown hair with a floppy fringe that gets in my eyes at every available opportunity. When my hair gets wet it bunches together and sticks to my forehead, and I look like someone off a SmashHits cover, circa 1995. And not the heart-throb lead singer of a hot boy band either, the weird one at the back whose career will definitely not survive the inevitable break-up and be seen eight years later staring forlornly at the floor on a reality TV show on ITV 1.
Personality wise, I’m relatively cheerful most of the time. I like to search for the little pockets of joy in life, and I like to think it’s possible to get along with everyone. Unfortunately I am often disappointed and wrong. I try to live well, work hard and do good, but adapting to the real world has left me awkward and hesitant, and my enthusiasm somewhat dampened, like a sad flannel. Prone to panic, I’m a borderline-workaholic with a predilection for overthinking and a deep abiding love for meticulous lists. On a completely unrelated note, I am single.
I have been single for a while; certainly long enough for it to be an issue. I shouldn’t have to justify it, so I won’t. Thanks to the pioneering work done by the actor Michael Cera, awkward boys are beginning to become desirable. This makes me even more nervous. I imagine there will be many future blogs on the subject of my love life, and frankly you’ll be astounded at my ability to worry so much about something that is categorically not a problem.
Of course this leaves me with ample time on my hands with which to indulge my other interests. I am a big fan of music, and I’ve got ill-considered opinions about all your favorite bands. Like a hipster, I listen to artists no one has heard of, but unlike a hipster, these artists in no way make me cool. I won’t bore you with the details; most people stop taking me seriously after I mention ‘tromboning’. This is what I’m into…
As well as music, I have a keen interest in comedy; although if you’re not finding this amusing, that’s debatable. I devour sitcoms and study stand-up to a needlessly fine detail, and can recite Alan Partridge quotes to fifty decimal places. There is no greater joy in life for me than a fantastic bit of wordplay – with the possibly exception of a completed to-do list – and I am an unashamed fan of the pun as an art form. The way I see it; the cornier the better.1
I like to relax with a cup of tea. I am not a big drinker; I own neither a pint or a wine glass, but I do own not one but two pint mugs, which I have named Big Red Fred and The Black Spot. One is red and the other is black and spotty. This alone should tell you more about me than I’d like you to know.
And when I can find a moment in my hectic schedule of careerism and non-regulation fun, in my spare time I write this blog. But enough about me, let’s talk more about you…
Awkward gump seeks petite young lady to bring out the best in me. The chances are I am skinnier than you, which will do wonders for your self-esteem. GSOH an absolute must, or at least A SOH. In an ideal world, you’ll laugh at every one of my jokes, but if me saying ‘poop’ over and over again is what floats your proverbial boat, I am willing to settle for less. If you think this sort of thing is funny, let’s meet up for a hi-five, maybe more… 2
Welcome to my world. I think you’ll find it more than a little self-indulgent.
1 The cornea is a part of the eye, thus ‘the way I see it’ is a humourous joke. This does not work written down. There will be better ones than this, I promise.
2 Two hi-fives.